


5 unspoken words, 1 spoken one

by lgbtandmore



Series: Trans Fall Out Boy [8]
Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance
Genre: 5+1 Things, Agender Character, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid Character, I mean it isn't exactly stated but??, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Nonbinary Character, Other, Summer of Like, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2018-04-12 05:30:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4467179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lgbtandmore/pseuds/lgbtandmore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>when you're closeted and you meet someone else who's closeted, you feel a sort of connection. it doesn't always end with romance, but sometimes it does. (I suck at summaries I swear my actual writing is better than this)</p>
            </blockquote>





	5 unspoken words, 1 spoken one

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first thing I've written since trying to pull myself out of writer's block again and it's unbeta'd so I'm not exactly sure how good it is, sorry :(

1\. genderfluid

 

Mikey never says it. The word lingers at the back of their throat, but is never spoken, just tucked away into the darker parts of their mind, of their heart, and left there to die. But the word still exists, and when Pete sees them, the word is in xer mind immediately, because xe doesn’t believe that someone that beautiful could ever be confined to the beauty of just one gender.

 

It’s present in Mikey’s every day life, in the way they can wear just the right outfit and be called “ma’am” when they go shopping, in the way that other days, they’re called “sir,” in the way that some days, people say one or the other and then look at them uncomfortably, as if they feel like there’s a different word that should exist but they just can’t think if what it should be.

 

Mikey doesn’t judge people for the fact that they can’t find the words, because they can’t always find the words either, and as far as they’re concerned, there’s really nothing wrong with that. Pete disagrees, but Mikey’s okay with that, too. They’re not meant to think the exact same things on everything, they’re meant to be human, after all.

 

2\. agender

 

Pete can never get the right words out. Xe’s a lyricist, sure, but just because you can write lyrics doesn’t mean you can sing them, and just because Pete knows the words doesn’t mean xe can say them. Besides, lyrics so quickly turn to metaphors, and metaphors can be read differently, can be misinterpreted, and this is something that Pete can’t let anyone misinterpret.

 

Mikey figures it out, it isn’t incredibly hard; the way Pete flinches when someone says “he,” the way xe shifts uncomfortably, silently, when xe’s called a man, a father, a son. Mikey pushes at the walls Pete’s put up to ignore xer identity, quietly slips different pronouns into conversation until one of them makes Pete look up at them curiously, and Mikey knows they’ve found it.

 

Mikey tells Pete that the way they feel is a bit like being water in a river, rather than a stone that stays in one place. Pete tells Mikey that the way xe feels is a bit like being the air above the river, and they understand each other. It’s a simple analogy, but it’s a nice one, and that way they can both pretend that they really aren’t who they are.

 

3\. lonely

 

It’s an unspoken feeling. They don’t need to talk about it to know that they both feel it, and that they’ve both felt it for a very, very long time. After all, it’s hard to find someone like you when you’re—well, it’s always hard to find someone who relates to you, and for some people it’s just a bit harder than it is for others. Finding each other is a bit of a blessing, even if neither of them is truly willing to admit it when they meet.

 

For as long as Pete can remember, xe’s being looking for someone like xem, someone who is a little bit different but still good, still trying, and no longer looking for answers in places that only offer solutions to something that isn’t a problem.

 

Ever since Mikey’s discovery, they’ve been trying to find anyone who understands to discuss things with. Not in an invasive way, just in a pleasant, simple way, one where they could both talk about what they think and what they feel without feeling pressured to say certain things.

 

As soon as they meet, both of them know that they’ve found the person they can talk to without ever having to worry, and suddenly the world feels a lot less small and unoccupied as it did before.

 

4\. dysphoria

 

Pete calls it self-hate, and Mikey calls it “I’m just having a really bad day, guys, seriously.” When they’re touring together, anytime one of them has a bad day it becomes a bad day for the other. Their band mates learn to leave them alone on either bus for a while when it happens, because the alternative is listening to them talk like fragmented sonnets at one another, which is confusing for everyone involved.

 

When Mikey has a bad day, Pete goes over to Mikey’s bus, and they sit in their bunk, stretched out beside each other with Mikey’s hands in Pete’s, Pete tracing imaginary tattoos onto Mikey’s hands and describing each tattoo to them.

 

“This one,” Pete says, “is a tulip. They’re really pretty, and even if they aren’t as recognized as the rose, they’re a very beautiful and popular flower. Sometimes they’re mistaken for a rose, but it’s the lack of thorns that give them away.

 

Tulips have long, smooth stems with strong, protective leaves. Bunnies love to nibble on them in the spring and summer, and the bunnies have no idea that they’re ruining something so perfect and precious.”

 

If Mikey cries at any point while Pete talks, xe doesn’t notice, or maybe xe just pretends not to. Either way, they appreciate the lack of comments on it.

 

Pete’s bad days are worse than Mikey’s, and usually Mikey has to negotiate their way onto the bus because of how upset Pete gets, to the point where xe kicks everyone off the bus and locks the door, sitting down somewhere on the floor and refusing to move.

 

When Mikey finally gets on the bus, they sit on the floor and pull Pete into their lap, whispering sweet nothings and gentle words and bits and pieces of poems and songs, and occasionally they just hum out the bass notes to a song, one of their band’s or one of Pete’s, and they keep humming until Pete hums them back at them.

 

Every single time it happens, the things that Mikey says or hums changes, but they always end those days with the same words: “A tulip is beautiful, but it thrives best with other tulips.”

 

5\. suicidal

 

It happens to Pete more often, and that means that Mikey spends a lot of time trying to help xem through it. Pete doesn’t describe it, exactly, as what it is. Xe gets drunk, asks for Mikey, and Andy or Patrick races to find them, while the other convinces Joe to come with them to the My Chemical Romance bus so Joe can talk to Ray about their fros and Gerard about Star Wars.

 

As soon as they’re alone, Pete starts to cry, and Mikey holds xem, not shushing xem, not encouraging xem, just listening and waiting patiently, while Pete holds onto them like xe might fall apart at any minute which, Mikey decides, isn’t actually that hard to believe.

 

They sit like that for hours, and Pete always apologizes the next morning, for falling asleep on Mikey’s shoulder and for whatever xe said or did that night, but Mikey shrugs it off and pulls Pete closer, promising xem that it doesn’t matter what xe says, they’ll always be there for xem.

 

Because it doesn’t happen as often, Mikey’s are almost always worse. They curl up in the bathroom with the door locked, bottle in one hand and blade in the other, and shake, hands trembling until the blade clatters to the floor and they have to set the bottle down before it breaks.

 

It takes 5 minutes before anyone calls Pete (anyone can have their reasons for staying in the bathroom, after all) and when someone does call xem, xe’s there in a matter of minutes, rushing onto the bus and kneeling by the door. “Mikey?” xe whispers under the door, and a quiet whimper comes back to xem, so xe shoos everyone off the bus and goes back to the door, quietly asking them to open it.

 

Mikey opens it eventually, hands shaking enough that it’s hard to open the door, vision blurred and mind slurred enough that they barely register Pete moving into the room and shutting the door again behind xem to ensure privacy.

 

“Jesus, Mikey,” Pete whispers, sitting down and holding xer arms out, and Mikey crawls into xer lap, shaking and hyperventilating and unable to speak, but they make pitiful noises that Pete recognizes and xe nods, humming in agreement to unspoken words.

 

When Mikey starts to scratch at their arms, Pete grabs their hands gently, placing them on xer arms instead, and Mikey tightens their grip on Pete’s arms like xe’s an anchor, grounding them and keeping them from floating away. Maybe xe is.

 

They don’t talk about it the next morning, when they both wake up in Mikey’s bunk with Mikey wrapped in Pete’s arms and the memories from the night before forgotten and ignored.

 

+1. love

 

Pete says it first, near the end of the summer. It’s rushed, and mumbled, but it’s there, a very quiet “I love you,” so quiet that Mikey almost misses it.

 

“What?” they ask, back turned as they reach for the poptarts on the top shelf.

 

“I…I love you,” Pete says again, taking a step back like xe’s afraid that Mikey’s going to yell at xem, or maybe laugh, but they just turn around and smile, small and gentle and everything that they only are around Pete.

 

“I love you too,” they say, taking a step forward and holding their hands out towards Pete. Xe takes their hands, and Mikey pulls xem forward, closer, until they’re pressed chest to chest, and Mikey leans down to press a kiss to Pete’s forehead.

 

When Pete looks up, xe’s smiling. “So…does that mean we’re dating?” xe asks, and Mikey shrugs.

 

“I don’t know. Is that what you want it to mean?” they ask, and Pete nods quickly.

 

“Yes, yes Mikey that’s everything I want it to mean, that’s all I want it to mean,” xe says breathlessly, and Mikey laughs as they lean down again, this time kissing Pete on the lips, quick and sweet and soft.

 

“Then yes, we’re dating,” they say, and Pete grins, leaning up to kiss Mikey—no, xer _enbyfriend_ , and yeah, Pete can really get used to saying that (both the kissing part, _and_ the enbyfriend part.)


End file.
